I am a conflict of selves.
Of conditioning, duty, expectations, guilt, anger and fear.
Defending my space and my rights.
Balancing this with caring and love.
A big heart.
A desire to soften the suffering of others.
Gregarious and sharing.
And yet I feel imprisoned,
I am where I am through my own assumptions – no planning involved.
Once I was a pin ball in a noisy environment.
And here I am.
I rebel against being judged.
I sense judgement without proof.
I grit my teeth and stand tall and rebellious,
Against this invisible, unproven force.
Desiring self-love, self-forgiveness.
Desiring an open heart, an open mind, a creative life.
Giving myself boundaries, responsibility.
Uneasy with breaking out.
Learning the language needed.
Sometimes the sun shines.
I am high, powerful, elated.
Other times it is – not dark, but dusk,
Haunted with dim resignation:
Get your head down,
Get on with it
After all it is self-inflicted,
There’s no going back.
Not to have love brings brittleness, bravado and hurt.
Loving and being loved is a joy and a burden.
Letting in love brings confidence and responsibility.
Who knew?
What is responsibility?
Does love really mean being responsible?
I think so,
Yes.
For the feelings of others,
For speaking the truth,
For the needs of others,
For the needs of self.
For cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening?
Maybe not but it has to be done by someone – doesn’t it?
Can I love without drudgery?
Can I be unburdened, free and loved?
I believe I can.
I aim for it.
.