Help!

Let’s talk about technology.

I may have mentioned that Whizz is keen on gadgets. We have phones – well, doesn’t everyone? and laptops, with many extra monitors. When Whizz leaves work, he shares his ETA with me and I can watch his progress on Apple Maps: a little circle containing his face with a creepily fixed expression, creeping across the map towards home.

As he draws near, Apple tells me he’s arriving, and so does the door. Yes, the door unlocks itself with a beep, and if Whizz runs, he can even get through it before it relocks and he has to use his little disk to unlock it. We no longer have a key.

And, we have to show people how to escape. Panic and confusion pass across their faces as they fumble uselessly with what looks like a simple handle. No. You need to hold this knob with your hand like this, press and turn anticlockwise and… sometimes it works first time, sometimes just press it in again. Easy.

Our internet went down recently. Not only could we not use our computers and phones – the signal is appalling here – we couldn’t even turn on the lights.

To be fair, technology does help keep my life in order. Whizz and I, and formerly our kids, have an electronic family diary. This shared calendar means that I know when Whizz has a Parish council meeting and he knows when I am going out with my Dinner Ladies.

Dinner Ladies. Not a group of ex-colleagues, but the name of a gang of women, of whom I am one, who host each other for meals, and discuss the world, and other things that only women understand. Know what I mean, girls?

I now come to a pair of events that technology could not help with (hardly, anyway).

We have been doing up two new rooms to advertise on AirBnB. Walls were knocked down and en suite bathrooms added, resulting in much dust and bashing into walls in the process. I then decorated the new rooms – I hate decorating – and last week, one of the rooms went live on line. On 25th October, two days ago, a lady requested the room from Sunday to Tuesday and I accepted the booking. I then looked around properly and saw how much work we needed to do to straighten out the rest of the house.

On Saturday night, I was pretty shattered after cleaning woodwork and walls, touching up emulsion paint and putting up pictures. I said to Whizz, ‘I don’t feel like cooking. Let’s have fish and chips delivered.’

I duly called the chippy and when the food arrived, it was perfect. Crispy chips, perfect batter, and we were both starving so we dug in.

Halfway through, Whizz suddenly said, ‘Aren’t you supposed to be at Dinner Ladies.’ He had seen it the calendar. I had seen it in the calendar, but in all the excitement, it had vacated my brain just when I needed it most.

‘OMG, I was meant to be there 15 minutes ago!’

I left my part eaten meal, ran around the kitchen like a headless idiot for a while then, still dressed in the clothes I’d been sweating in all day, threw on my coat and was driven up the road and round the corner by my ever loving and forgiving husband, and deposited at the end of the drive of my hostess.

I can’t say I looked or felt relaxed – or hungry, but in I went and, unable to carry off any kind of pretence, regaled my friends with this story. And there was much mirth. I did pretty good justice to the meal, and even managed a couple of truffles afterwards and several glasses of Prosecco thoughout.

This, I thought, was a good enough tale on its own for a blog post but there’s more…

Today, Whizz and I hoovered, cleaned windows and looked up flight times to get some idea of our guest’s ETA. When we thought her flight must have landed, I sent her a message, hoping she’d had a good flight and giving more detailed directions to our house. No response. Eventually, the dear lady replied saying, ‘I’ll see you around 3pm on 10th November if that’s okay?’ TWO WEEKS FROM NOW!

I need a holiday!!!!!

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo