I once watched a program (Thirty Something, 1980s and 90s) where four friends each listed how they saw themselves. You know: Mother, wife, teacher, that kind of thing. I don’t know why it has stayed with me but occasionally, I will formulate my own little list, and it never starts Mother, wife… even though I am both of those things.
Mine would begin like this: Buddhist, writer and blogger, fat person, action taker. As you see, number 3 is Fat Person. Throughout my life I have let weight affect many things, such as: my choice of clothing, my sense of self, my desire to take up physical activities in the presence of others.
On 9th June 2021, I tipped the scales at 15st 11lb (210lb, a little over 100 kilos). I am admitting this here because I am about to embark on a voyage, an attempt to work out why I, who eat a mainly healthy diet and am active, find it so hard to control my weight.
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There are two main triggers to this undertaking.
The first is my Buddhist practice. Through chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, I have managed to overcome many negative tendencies, but if my attitude to food crops up in a session, I have avoided facing it. Now, my Buddhahood will no longer let me escape this blight on my life. I recognise that I must understand my illogical tendency to eat and drink too much and, increasingly, be unable to lose the weight. But I did not know where to start, until one evening, while talking myself out of eating an unnecessary snack, I found myself, almost physically, holding my craving in one hand and studying it. It was suddenly clear that this urge to eat need not be connected to my pleasure centres. I could manage it. This was a revelation.
The second trigger was a health scare. I thought I had breast cancer – was convinced of it. Reading the things that exacerbate cancer (not that I didn’t already know but the time must have been right), weight and alcohol intake were high on the list. I took this scare to be the Universe’s prompt that I should get my act together.
Here is my plan. I will research the science and evidence, and:
- Look at my childhood – the eating and drinking and lifestyle habits I learned at home.
- Examine the diets and exercise regimes I have tried and how successful they were.
- Research the science of exercise, water intake and diet and perhaps debunk some of it or put it into perspective.
- Find out more about the impact of artificial sweeteners on the body.
- Discover why some people can eat more than I and remain skinny.
- Decide why I lose weight so slowly.
By doing this, I hope to discover an eating regime and mindset that will make me healthy and slim for the rest of my life. There are so many so-called experts quoting so-called science with such confidence, it is easy to be taken in. Let’s face it, the diet and exercise industry is lucrative. Even now I am following two schemes, one aimed at women’s hormones: Natural Health Sherpa, and another at the psychology of eating: Noom. I have a nasty suspicion there is some value in both, but neither can tell the whole story. I am persevering with them and will keep you posted.
It is my hope that this series might help other, older women to understand their bodies. I will also record a version of these articles on YouTube.
Fat Girl Fat 2 coming very soon.