On Reading 50 Shades of Grey – by a dear friend

This ‘pome’ was written by a good friend, whose hobby is writing what she calls ‘ditties’. This particular piece made me laugh, and mirrors my own sentiments concerning the book in question.

Now, desire and arousal are highly subjective,

But reading this book left me feeling defective,

Just what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I feel turned on?

Don’t the sex scenes apparently please everyone?

I flicked through for ages to find the good bits,

But calling underwear ‘panties’ just left me in fits,

And her constant asides (in italics) and swearing,

Were rather repetitive, cheesy and wearing:

“Oh sh…, oh f…, he’s so jolly amazing,

I’m throbbing, I’m arching, I’m on fire, I’m just blazing.”

I’m glad for you Ana that you had a great time,

But for me your adventures were quite anodyne:

Your endless succession of fabulous screwing,

Of licking and bending, and sucking and chewing.

For me, as a tool (!) it just failed to work,

I thought Mr G. seemed a bit of a jerk.

I’m not against dominance, bondage or pain,

But the writing just didn’t ignite my sex flame.

Alas, it failed to provide what I needed,

And although Ana gasped, and submitted, and pleaded,

Her pleasure and plight left me feeling quite cold,

It wasn’t erotic, it wasn’t well told.

But desire and arousal are highly subjective,

And hurray for the ladies who find grey shades effective,

Lucky them! It’s so great to feel sexy and wet,

For me it was giggling that provoked a slight sweat.

I wanted excitement, I found it quite boring,

The story, the writing, I’m just not adoring…

But good luck to Miss James and to all who discover,

There are hundreds of things to inflict on a lover.